Am I a tool for God to use?

being confident of this, that he who began a good work
in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

I have strived to be holy since I was a young boy. I never wanted to disappoint my Savior. So my life's passion was to serve Him and not disgrace Him.

To me, serving God was equal to loving God.

I was wrong.

So wrong.

To me, being holy was equal to loving God.

I was wrong again.

So wrong.

Holiness and Service are RESULTS of loving God, but they do not equal love for God.

Oswald Chambers writes today, "Abandon to God is of more value than personal holiness. (!) Personal holiness focuses the eye on or own whiteness; we are greatly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look, fearful lest we offend* Him. Perfect love casts out all that when once we are abandoned to God. We have to get rid of this notion, "Am I of any use?" and make up our minds that we are not, and we may be near the truth. It is never a qestion of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself. When we are abondoned to God, He works through us all the time."

I did not fear "offending" God, I knew that God loved me, but I was afraid of disappointing Him, and ultimately knew that I am a failure in so many ways, so I worked hard to make up for my short-coming by being of use to Him. If I fail to be the man of God I want to me, at least I could be a contributing player on God's Team! If I had a part in winning the Game, my loses off the field of Ministry would be made up for.

I am no longer concerned with being a tool in the hand of God. I am more interested in being the item He is working on. I've given up being a tool, and instead am letting the tools cut into me and shape me. It hurts... but I welcome it.

and if God uses me in the process somehow, that's up to Him.

but my desire is just to Walk with Him.

whether I "matter" or not to anyone else.

I don't need to be of USE, I just want to BE.